Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
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coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I am never leaving this website
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Meanwhile in Portland…
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
girls literally only want one thing..
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*