Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
You Might Also Like
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid