Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money