Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
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*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?