I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
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My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.