@kamtweeting

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

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@DearAuntAbby

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

@

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

@ilovepie84

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

@BuddWest

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

@felixoshea

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

@kelkulus

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

@Storminika

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

@mrjohndarby

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

@ariscott

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.