Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
You Might Also Like
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.