give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive