Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I’m tired tomorrow.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.