Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?