“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
You Might Also Like
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Just a reminder, folks:
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Cats are still liquid.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem