“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
happy valentine’s day to me
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Smells like a challenge to me
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.