Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
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Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
incredible
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.