Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
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Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.