Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.