Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
New comic up. “Ransom”
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself