Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Liquor Store Parking
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Happy Febuary everyone!
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Cndnsd Mlk
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.