Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
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Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.