Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*