*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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I鈥檓 proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Follow me for more recipes
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
It鈥檚 adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it鈥檚 a brilliant idea they鈥檝e never heard before.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
“No, it’s not me” 馃槀馃拃
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I鈥檓 struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?