*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
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not seeing the problem
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
smartest karate player in the world
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.