*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.