*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
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“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Love this one 😂🧟
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.