[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
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It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
The government even made aliens boring
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.