[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
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These fireworks are awesome! High four!
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).