[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
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TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Ah..makes sense now
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
HR said no more nunchucks.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.