@david8hughes

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

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@UncleDuke1969

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

@TheBoydP

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

@VerifiedDrunk

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

@AmishSuperModel

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

@bdbdleeroybrown

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

@permawedgie

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

@Ideal_Victoria

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

@crazylikeanox

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

@iAmDelFreaky

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

@HisDulcinea

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*