[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

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Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?


Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*


If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.


Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?


I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.


There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried


It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.


I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator


I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.


*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*