[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
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Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
SF is the wild wild west man
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon