[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
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I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.