[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
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Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.