*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
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No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
🏙👨🏼
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table