Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
You Might Also Like
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Who knew!
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke