Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
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Me when someone tries to get to know me
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?