Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
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For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.