Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
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Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Salad is the decaf of food.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.