Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
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The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple