*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
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A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.