Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
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The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Blew my mind.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.