Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
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The first one, obviously
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”