Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
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Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
The days of good grammer has went
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*