@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

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@murrman5

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

@DontFuckWithMom

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

@TinksEyeView

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

@Professor_Ryan

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

@MaverickGames

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

@Shariv67

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

@LoveNLunchmeat

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

@McMcmadmac

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

@postcrunk

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?