Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
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HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion