Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.