Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Not all heroes wear capes…
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
A small tragedy.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.