glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry