[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Denise please return my vape pen
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester