Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
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when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..