@SvnSxty

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

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@PaperWash

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

@choniepony

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

@ozzyunc

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

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Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

@dakg666

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

@Tmoney68

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Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

@krakkenlackin

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

@IamEveryDayPpl

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now