glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this