glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

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My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of


Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake


My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?


Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now


Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.


Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!


Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”


The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.


How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.


He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.