Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.