*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
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When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.