Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!