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Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
